National Emergency
The Great Toilet Paper Apocalypse,
Saturday the 14th day of March, 2020.
Quarantine day #2
I’m currently sitting in the Brisbane, Australia International Airport enjoying a brekkie of quiche and sausage with a cup of coffee and fresh squeezed orange juice. (It was squeezed out of a bottle).
Overnight President Trump declared a national emergency because there are no more garbanzo beans left in Iowa. That’s right. I read a blog this morning of an otherwise rational woman from Iowa who felt an urge to go to the local grocery and stock up because everyone else in the world was stocking up. She was confronted with vacant shelves and rationed toilet paper. Only two cans of garbanzo beans remained on the shelf. Overcome with a modified panic she bought both cans despite the fact that she hadn’t bought garbanzo beans in years. She didn’t even like garbanzo beans. Now we are faced with a national garbanzo bean shortage.
On my way to the Brisbane airport I saw a sign along the road for a garage sale. “Everything in the house must go, and we have toilet paper!” Probably had the biggest garage sale ever. You could trade a two-week all expenses paid cruise for a 12-pack of Charmin.
Schools in Wisconsin have closed for three weeks despite having only 19 documented cases of coronavirus. What happened to influenza, measles, chickenpox, pertussis, road rage, gastroenteritis and the common cold? More people are dying from obesity every day. Why don’t we close all fast-food restaurants and clear the store shelves of junk food?
We are deep in a pandemic and it isn’t the virus; it’s irrational panic. In a time of crisis, the first pulse you should check is your own. Then take a deep breath and make a logical, rational decision. There’s plenty of road kill on the highways so no one should starve. Our government and social media are creating a frenzy that is totally unnecessary. Take heart, the world won’t end today; it’s already tomorrow Down Under and it’s a rather nice day. The sun came up and the toilet paper-garbanzo bean riots are under control. Actually, if we are eating fewer garbanzo beans, we may require less toilet paper.
The latest news on my quarantine. It may be modified or waived but I need to check with my workplace authorities when I get back in the states. I was beginning to like the idea of two weeks of checking my temperature, buying toilet paper on the black market, eating squirrels, writing quarantine updates and my personal take on world affairs.
I think my computer is getting a virus. Does that count?
Cold Turkey... Leftovers 